Advice from the 40s

Today is my birthday! So, now I’m 43. I know what you’re thinking. “Oy! Really? Well, that explains her roots.” Yes, it does, hence the hats. Gray hairs aside, I don’t feel my age. In part, because I have role models my age who are awesome.

For instance, all the chicks in my neighborhood named Karen (and a few others). We are all over 40 and many of us are just ramping up. But there are also famous people my age who are amazeballs, like Tina Fey. On turning 40 she said, “I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that. But now I do.” I refer to Tina’s 43 wise quotes whenever I begin to feel old.

A recent New York Times article by Pamela Druckerman highlights what she knows now that she’s 44. One of my favorites, “There are no grown-ups… Everyone is winging it, some just do it more confidently.”

Following this vein and quote, I thought I would add just a few key things I know now:

• 1 drink=relaxing. 2=fun. 3=-hangover.

• 1 cup of coffee=perky. 2=poop. 3=A.D.D.

• I’m still uncertain if cow’s milk does a body good, or is bad for humans.

• There are three instances when it’s best to keep my mouth shut:
– In public restrooms
– When cleaning the litterbox
– Around my boyfriend’s children

• Men want a woman’s hands to be clean and pretty because they picture them in dirty places. (Go ask, I’ll wait.)

• If you’re posting unexplained crisis-driven comments on Facebook like “Pray for me,” or “Why is this happening to me?” it’s probably better to call a therapist than to post on social media.

• Anytime I’ve wondered, “Does this outfit look okay?” it absolutely does not.

• Nothing ruins a great outfit, or a witty personality like halitosis. Find someone you love who is honest and breathe in their face. (Note: The person checking your halitosis cannot also have halitosis. Find a dentist.)

• I shouldn’t buy into my own BS. By the time I’m 44, most of the above will sound like a load of bologna.

• This blog is more than my allotted 250 words and is on Tuesday not Friday, but we should think like pirates. There are no rules. There are merely guidelines!